Juggling Meds and Moods and Stuff

After having been on one set of meds for about 4 months, my Doc has changed them up.  I should mention that this is a new Doc that I will be seeing regularly for at least the next year as part of the recovery program I have joined.  He seems to be very caring and warm.  Which I like.  Others have been very clinical, often stern, occasionally impatient.

After meeting him for the first time, roughly two weeks ago, he advised me that the med regime I had been on was sub-therapeutic and redundant.  So he adjusted dosages, dropped one and sent me on my way.  I have been weened off of the depakote, from which I have discerned no noticeable impact.  Increased my Lamictal x 4 and my wellbutrin as well.

I am not sure if I have seen any impact at all just yet.  I have noticed that some things are easier, however I have not been taking the new regime for very long.

Some things I have noticed, it is easier to leave my room and hang out with my family.  I crave sunlight rather than my cave of a bedroom.  I am better able to control my thoughts and shut down some of the negative self talk.  I am sure there might be more but I would have to ask others their observation, however they are not here at the moment.  I suppose I should talk with them tonight and get their impressions.

The recovery program has been going well.  I will be wrapping up the first segment next week I believe.  Then on to other programs at my choice and pace.  I think I have started to develop a comfortable relationship with my recovery coach.  Which makes sharing much easier.  Although I do find that on many occasions I still feel as though I do not belong there.  That perhaps my problems are so much less severe and that I am taking a spot from someone more needy.  I still, on occasion, think that there is nothing wrong with me at all.  *shrug*

As far as my mood, I am in a moderate place now.  The darkness has passed and I am in mood balance currently.  Still out of balance in many other places though.  Lots of work yet to be done.

I am certain the fact that my daughter was home helped.  We got to spend a bit more time together as I came out of the cave.  Helped to contribute to the brightening of my mood.  She has a way of making me smile.  And of course, absence always makes the heart grow fonder, even with kids.

C has been writing for National Novel Writing Month or something like that.  She has like 20K words with only 5 days left in the month.  The goal is 50k so I have been pushing her and prodding.  Giving her space and quiet.  Overall being supportive yet annoying.  Hehe.  I like that I am able to be her support currently.  That I am getting to a place where I can hold some of the emotional weight again.  Only a sack of potatoes at the moment but more to come, of this I am certain.

The question keeps coming up in recovery of whether I plan to work again or not.  Initially in this process after being released from the hospital I thought no.  I could not see myself as emotionally stable enough to ever work again, or even leave the house. Now, with meds and help, I am seeing a spark that should lead me to the a career once more.  I know I cannot return to what I used to do, managing people.  I am not ready for the stress of that again, and may not ever be ready.  So I am thinking of working with children again.  It’s something I did in my younger years and always enjoyed.  It fulfilled me in a way that no other job has since.  Perhaps I can work on helping teens with mental health issues, work with them on recovery.  It seems a likely path for me.  Either that or getting my teaching credentials.  Time will tell.

Thanks for reading the brain dump.  I hope you are all well and in a good place.

Oh and I have been quite fond of playing Words With Friends, Scramble and Hanging with Friends on FaceBook, so if you play too, feel free to add me.  You can contact me or add with alan.crosby@gmail.com.